Betwixt and Between
by Oliviax3
Summary: She wanted so badly to love him —I/W/J— but there was a chasm, a mirror of glass.


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Disclaimer: I do not own Host. What would be the purpose of fanfiction if I did??

She wanted so badly to love him —I/W/J— but there was a chasm, a mirror of glass.

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**Betwixt and Between**

_Then I am blind. I cannot find the heart I gave to you. -- Glass, Ingrid Michaelson_

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Jared's birthday was coming soon, and for hours—though she would never (_ever_) admit it—she wondered emptily of what to get him. She thought of making him something. It seemed fitting; to make him something with her hands. The hands that were newer, smaller, paler, but so much the same because they still yearned, still dreamed: to touch him.

But she couldn't (_ever_).

There was a chasm between them. See-through, though they both could see it. They could touch the glass—with her fair hands and his lustful fingers—but not each other. The wall was not Melanie, nor was it Ian: It was themselves.

She decided to get something on a raid which would be fitting as well, she would have to search for it, _find_ it.

She planned that Ian and Mel would accompany her, and then she would leave for maybe, at most, an hour to wander through mobs of other souls who walked through shopping centers to buy presents for their sisters, their grandmas, their children.

To them, another year had passed and someone somewhere was having a birthday, but to her, it was not a 'someone': it was Jared. She was going for him and for him alone. The thought seemed to haunt her, lurking behind her like an awaiting shadow, ready to swallow her.

_You don't love him._

Her heart stopped.

For that moment, that one moment, she thought it was Melanie. She thought it was Melanie's voice, telling her, screaming at her, trying to persuade her from what she had started in the first place.

_I don't, Mel._

No one answered and reality settled as she realized that she was in Pet's body, not Mel's. Her eyes widened. It was her voice, her own voice that was trying to persuade her.

It was the other side of Wanderer that spoke, the side that wanted to run, run far away and never stop, the side that didn't want to be protected, but wanted to be free. It was the side that wanted to feel the embers glow with heat and never stop burning.

It was the side Melanie had created in her and it tore the seams of her heart, ripping her in two.

Her other side did not want to run, Pet _couldn't_ run. Her other side wanted to be protected, forever enveloped in Ian's loving arms that had _held_ her. Held _her_. Only her.

She thought she was going to be sick. Her stomach was crashing with disgust: with herself. How could she ever (_ever)_ take Ian's love and carelessly toss it aside… her other side spoke.

_You do it everyday, you know it. _

Something hit her, hard, and instead of answering, she heaved onto the side of the street. Souls put a hand to her shoulder, told her to visit the hospital, but nothing could heal her.

_Nothing_.

'No Pain' would not work, not anymore.

The vile and sour taste on her tongue stayed no matter how hard she wiped it away from her mouth with the sleeve of her jacket. It was then, when she looked up into a glass windowpane that she saw the perfect gift, for Jared.

_You just did it, again. _

She paid no attention to the voice; she only saw glass that mirrored her awed expression. Lightly, her hand touched the see-through surface, leaving a small fingerprint. She heard a different voice, distant in her ears.

"May I help you?" A lady from the store said, smiling blithely in her direction.

Slowly, her hand dragged from the metallic barrier that separated her from what she wanted. Blonde locks fell in front of her eyes as she looked to the ground, staring in a cavity that cracked the pavement.

She whispered, "No." Suddenly the ground was not the only thing broken. She walked away.

Melanie and Ian were waiting for her, casually exchanging words that stopped short when Ian saw her approaching in the distance. She saw the way he looked at her, and she must have looked terrible after being sick, but Ian wouldn't care about how she looked, he only cared about how she felt. Her eyes warmed sadly that she had to remind herself of that.

A name froze her into place.

"Ian."

But it was not she who said it. It was Melanie. Hearing her say his name, seeing the used-to-be-her-body (Melanie) jokingly touch Ian, made her frown. He relieved some of the gifts other people had asked to pick up for them from her arms.

The weight was lifted, but not the burdens.

"Thank you," Wanderer said.

Ian nodded once, glancing at her for a few moments longer before asking sarcastically, more to Melanie then to her, "Wow, Jared's spoiled, isn't he?"

_Yes._

Melanie crossed her arms defiantly across her chest, her hips thrusting with her own unmistakable attitude and she laughed. It was a sound that came easily from her throat and Wanda thought she had heard something different, did she really sound that way when she laughed in that body?

Probably not, but it still hurt her. She could count the amount of times she had laughed (a full-bodied, sensual, and knowing laugh) in Melanie's body on her fingers.

"Did you get anything for him, Wanda?"

Blonde locks obscured silver eyes once again as Melanie's voice drifted further and further away.

"…Wanda..."

She forced a smile, swallowed, and then lied, "Of course!"

Ian glared.

"What did you get him?"

Wanda felt like she was going to be sick again as Ian stared at her, his gaze piercing right through her facade. She quivered from his unwavering glower. Could he tell? She began to help Melanie fill the trunk with gifts.

She thought quickly, "A snow-globe."

In reality, she had gotten him nothing because she has given him enough and received nothing in return. Nothing but confused glances which tore away at her slowly.

_He still looks at you, but he doesn't love you._

Melanie smiled warmly. "He'll love it, Wanda." Ever so slightly, the _it_ was pronounced heavier, throwing the truth in her face. She didn't say _you_, she said _it_. Melanie knew, and something seized at Wanda's heart. She hated the fact that Melanie knew her very deepest, darkest, most protected and yet most exploited secret.

She _hated_ it.

Nodding numbly, she jumped into the backseat of the car. No one spoke on the way to the caves, and when they arrived, Melanie was sent to distract Jared from seeing all of the presents. Wanderer was made aware that she and Ian were left in the darkness with Jared's birthday gifts. Jared's gifts.

_Jared._

But it was not Jared who stood before her, hands that cared so much pushed deep into his pockets. It was not Jared who could not look at her, his eyes quivering with... sadness? No, it was heartbreak.

It was not Jared. It was Ian.

_Ian._

She wanted to wrap her arms around him, and bury herself in him, to inhale his his soft and warm scent of a crisp sea breeze. She wanted to apologize (_I'm so sorry... Ian_). She wanted to tell him not to give up on her, not yet (_Please_). She wanted…

To love him.

_What's stopping you?_

_You._

All that came from her mouth was his name, wavering through her lips, "…I-Ian..."

He nodded, and then began to walk away. She wanted to tell him to wait for her (_I love you, only you_), but he left and she was left with nothing but the company of her drumming heart.

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His—Jared's—birthday came quickly, a blur, an odd haze of emotions that toiled within her. Ian had not spoken to her since when? Was it days or hours? It did not matter, he wasn't speaking to her and the absence of his voice, his smell, his warmth, his touch, made her sick with regret.

Everyone celebrated, and she pretended to. There were balloons, treats and laughter. Jared's warm and loud laughter filled the caverns, but she felt empty. She only heard Ian in her mind, telling her that maybe it was better if they—

_No._

That was just a thought that lasted long enough to be a nightmare. She heard her name.

"Wanda," it was his voice, Jared's. "Did you get me anything?"

_I gave you everything. _

She couldn't stop the apology from spilling through her mouth like the vomit she had tasted earlier. He did not deserve the apology. "I'm sorry"— Ian did— "Jared."

There was a teasing smile that curved his lips. "Why not?"

"I-I lost… the snow globe." She lost something more than that.

"It's okay," he said, but however true were his words, it would not be okay.

"Happy Birthday, Jared."

He seemed to understand (her deepest, darkest secret) and she was not upset, she did not hate him for it.

"Thank you, Wanda."

She smiled sadly. "For what?"

They seemed to be starting over, mending all the mistakes they had made. Slowly, the glass between them was erased and when he reached for her, she was there, at arm's length. He hugged her to his chest and whispered to her, to only her.

"For everything."

Then she saw Ian, not to far away from her, reachable. She took five and a half steps, parting from Jared and she was at his side, but if Ian felt her presence, he did not show it. She inhaled sharply at the small, but piercing pain that caused. That _she_ had caused. Her hand—her hand that no longer yearned and dreamed, but loved— brushed against his.

"Ian..." She could have said so much more, but her heart was so ridiculously full that her eyes had began to overflow. "Please, please... Ian, I— _Please_."

_Love me._

Moments passed, moments the length of heartbeats that lasted ages. She could feel her heart failing, it's thumping ceasing to a slow, lagging and quiet beat. She felt herself— both sides of Wanderer— dying, her reason for life (_Ian_) swallowed by the silence. His body did not move, even as he breathed. Maybe they were both dying, because of her. Then, everything began to fade: her vision, her hearing, her heart. There was nothing, nothing but the pain as she was thrown into the chasm that she had straddled for so long.

She saw herself falling.

Then there was only silence, and then... her heart began to beat again. Slowly until it banged against her chest, beating eratically against her ribcage, wanting to fly away as his fingers intertwined with hers. There was no longer a mirror image of her, torn into two sides. There was nothing but Wanderer.

Only her, and him— _Ian_— and it was so much more than enough.

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**End**

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I think I'm updating to fast, cuz even though I like the concept of this its... Grrrrrrrr!! CRAPPY!! -slaps head- the ending is definitely... unoriginal... but whatever!! I couldn't think of an ending that would make it any less crappy-full (but I hope you liked ;D) . Anyways, W/J was always so confusing to me especially at the end when Jared was all like "I love you" when I read that I was like WTH?! so I was guessing that their relationship couldn't just _end._ There would still be something there... -coughsequelcough- oh well. It ends with I/W so who gives a hoot.

But you know what's **not** crappy?? FROZEN BLUEBERRIES! so go get bunches of 'em, throw 'em in your freezer and then mix 'em with yogurt or icecream THEN come back and leave me a review!! lol.

**_Please._**


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